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smartmunkey
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The Reinvention Project

This is the first of many posts to come on this subject and while I'm not up to putting onto the page exactly what this project is about, one of the phases of it is learning to see myself as beautiful.  I've had a couple of photographers offer to take photos of me. In 2 shoots, there have been nearly 500 photos taken.  I've gotten a few of them back from one of the photographers and have discs on the way of the rest. 

When I look at these, I see beautiful and it's really hard to believe it's me.

 



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Current Location: home
Current Mood: excited

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Top 10 Reasons Why I Love My Roommate
10. Her boyfriend completely cracks me up

9.  My boyfriend is one of her best friends

8. She does her own dishes (and happily does some of mine)

7. She buys toilet paper.

6. She cleans the kitchen and bathroom.

5. She listens without pretense or judgment.

4. She can carry on a real conversation.

3. She wants to buy a new shower curtain to give the place more personality

2. She looks forward to me coming home

And the # 1 reason why I absolutely LOVE my roommate...

She call's my ex-husband to tell him off.  


AWESOME!

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A great meme!
From [info]karaokegal

Quite the ego boost - thanks!

bedroom toys
Powered By Adult Toys 

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memage
What These Roses Say About You
You are a classic romantic who believes in true love.
You often experience deep emotions and feel warmth toward almost everyone.
You are a bundle of positive feelings and sweetness.

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I get to be Alice!
Thank you [info]karaokegal


Which Alice in Wonderland character are YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as A Playing Card

You scored a Playing Card! Loyal to the end you don't stray from the pack and are cowed by those in power.


Alice


 
75%

A Playing Card


 
75%

Carpenter


 
67%

The White Rabbit


 
67%

Walrus


 
58%

Oyster


 
58%

Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum


 
58%

Mad Hatter


 
58%

The Dormouse


 
58%

Cheshire Cat


 
42%

Queen of Hearts


 
33%

Caterpillar


 
33%

March Hare


 
33%

Flamingo


 
25%


 

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Happy place
We all have those moments where we are the Starfish in Finding Nemo (no comments J) screaming "Find a happy place. FIND A HAPPY PLACE!"

Today is a happy place. 

I'm still exhausted.
I'm still a little achy.
I'm still dealing with bullshit.

But for once this week, my heart feels relaxed... in it's happy place.

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Starting Over Again

As I stand on the edge of the rest of my life, I wish I remembered what I was thinking this time last year.

My divorce was in process and I was looking forward to my freedom. I knew I wanted to start all over again, I was excited about that, but I don't think I ever thought about what all that meant. In so many ways, I stumbled through 2007 figuring things out as I went along. And probably for the first time, I look back on 2007 so that I take it with me into 2008.

In 2007, I learned how to dream my own dreams again. Something that still feels so foreign to me after having so many years of chasing others' dreams. But, I am dreaming, and I'm working on dreaming bigger.

Singing, theater, the final phase of my weight loss journey, love, friendships, career, having fun, being open to new experiences... all of these things became a part of my life in the last year either for the first time or in a new way.

I learned that love doesn't have to hurt when you are in it, but saying goodbye to love sure does.     
I learned that I have more strength and staying power than even I realized.
I learned that my friendships, no matter duration, gender or intensity, are essential to my existence.
I learned that the phrase "to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all" is true.
I learned that taking risks is vital to my happiness no matter how afraid I am of taking them.
I learned the importance of finishing what I've started.
And I learned that, at the end of the day, I'm responsible for my own happiness.

So, as I stand now starting a new year for the first time in my adult life single, I find myself so incredibly grateful. My hands are not empty, they are full and you are part of it. Thank you for holding on with me on the ride of life and for allowing me onto yours.

Here's to taking risks, having adventures and finding fulfillment!

Happy 2008.

 

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Resolutions
For years, I've held the New Year's Resolution that I will not make any resolutions. I've done well with that one - probably kept that one for a good 7 or 8 years running. 

But something struck me yesterday - if you want things to be different, you have to do them differently. So I am.

For 2008, I resolve to:

Listen to my heart better, and heed it.
Not give up my dreams for myself for anyone.
Actually put forth effort into what I want for myself.

It's very interesting. After nailing down these three things a whole slew of stuff started to come up that I want to do in the immediate future. The most interesting part - none of them include dating at all.

Here's to doing thing different!

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Current Location: work
Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: Alvin & The Chipmunks soundtrack

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Just weirdness
It  doesn't feel like Christmas at all. 

I feel completely backwards, upside down and turned inside out.

I saw Jason today. Well, actually, I went to see my cats. Mikayla sat on my lap for a full 30 - 45 minutes. She's a cuddler, but she's a cat and a Calico at that - she doesn't like to just sit. But she just sat there.  But after all the drunk texting about sleeping with me that Jason has been sending to me lately, I needed to know if he really had feelings for me or if he's just the sex addict I know him to be and wants it where ever he can get it from. So, I gathered up every ounce of my courage (because either answer would be difficult) and I asked.

He actually has feelings for me. So I asked him for a favor (please don't freak out until I get to the end of this) and asked him to show me how he felt by kissing me. He more than happily complied and we made out... for a good 1/2 hour. He said he'd never kissed with so much passion. I felt nothing. And he's still a really crappy kisser. But I felt nothing. It did absolutely nothing for me. Leaving his place after saying goodbye to my furr ball was never so easy.  But I had to risk it. I had to know for myself if it's just my own insecurity in who and what I am that was drawing me towards him because he wants me or if I still felt something for him. Well, now I know and I get to work on my insecurity. That's a much better place to be in my opinion.

Things are terribly disjointed here at Mom's. With Andi having moved out and the weird work schedules that she and Ryan have, we really don't get to have any family time. In fact, I'm quite bored. I made myself sick today by eating way too many carbs because there was really nothing better to do. It's not that I don't want to be here, but if I wanted to play computer games or watch TV, I could do that in the comfort of my own home, in my own bed instead of sitting and sleeping on this couch (which also happens to be mine, but anyway). 

I found out Monday that Ted's restaurant deal probably isn't going to go through. Want to know how I found that out? His partner told me. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear it from Ted directly, I heard it from someone else I HARDLY KNOW! WTF!  He can't even tell me as his friend that's on stand by to do work for him that it isn't happening yet? Well, that pushed me right over the edge from missing him into being pissed off at him, and that pushed me pretty much fully into being over him. Well, that and the fact that I've been e-mailing with a couple of guys lately... one that I'm very interested in and we are going to meet for lunch on Monday. I really want to confront him about this whole restaurant thing, but I'm going to do it in person. I've had the urge to text a few times, but only because I got so mad about it and now it's just, eh, whatever. Though I fully admit, I miss what we had and I'm also kinda pissed at him for taking it away, whatever the reason. 

I've said it before and I'm saying it again - it's time for me to take back my life. I know I'm going to be taking some new classses (both voice and acting) with my friend Katie. I've told a couple of friends lately that happiness is something you create and give to yourself - it's not something someone else can give you or MAKE you feel. Time for me to take my own advice. No, I'm not done with men. Yes, I totally want to fall in love again. But... as much as I'm able, I need to stop looking for it and instead, go find me. I guess you could call that my New Year's resolution....

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Current Location: mom's
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: CMT Late Night Music Video Rotation

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Holiday Drama

We never manage to escape it. Andi moved out last Friday. You know how moving out goes - it takes you like 4 months to get all your stuff out of your parent's house. Well today, I think it hit Mom that Andi is really gone. She's been lethargic since church and family dinner was.... strained at best, despite both my brother and I trying to keep the mood light.

I need to go talk to her. See if she'll open up to me.  Kinda don't want to though.

And extremely thankful for the 2 glasses of wine I had with dinner (no, I didn't drive). 

Oh, and make mental note - being a regular at Marie Calendar's = 5 free pies on Christmas Eve.

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Current Mood: relaxed

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smartmunkey
Name: smartmunkey
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