smartmunkey

The Reinvention Project

2008-04-14T03:22:31Z

This is the first of many posts to come on this subject and while I'm not up to putting onto the page exactly what this project is about, one of the phases of it is learning to see myself as beautiful. I've had a couple of photographers offer to take photos of me. In 2 shoots, there have been nearly 500 photos taken. I've gotten a few of them back from one of the photographers and have discs on the way of the rest.

When I look at these, I see beautiful and it's really hard to believe it's me.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love My Roommate

2008-03-29T05:59:33Z

10. Her boyfriend completely cracks me up

9. My boyfriend is one of her best friends

8. She does her own dishes (and happily does some of mine)

7. She buys toilet paper.

6. She cleans the kitchen and bathroom.

5. She listens without pretense or judgment.

4. She can carry on a real conversation.

3. She wants to buy a new shower curtain to give the place more personality

2. She looks forward to me coming home

And the # 1 reason why I absolutely LOVE my roommate...

She call's my ex-husband to tell him off.

AWESOME!

A great meme!

2008-03-08T04:19:24Z

From karaokegal

Quite the ego boost - thanks!

Powered By Adult Toys

memage

2008-03-08T04:12:43Z

What These Roses Say About You

You are a classic romantic who believes in true love.
You often experience deep emotions and feel warmth toward almost everyone.
You are a bundle of positive feelings and sweetness.

What Do The Flowers You Pick Say About You?

I get to be Alice!

2008-01-14T17:43:22Z

Thank you karaokegal

Which Alice in Wonderland character are YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as A Playing Card

You scored a Playing Card! Loyal to the end you don't stray from the pack and are cowed by those in power.

Alice

75%

A Playing Card

75%

Carpenter

67%

The White Rabbit

67%

Walrus

58%

Oyster

58%

Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum

58%

Mad Hatter

58%

The Dormouse

58%

Cheshire Cat

42%

Queen of Hearts

33%

Caterpillar

33%

March Hare

33%

Flamingo

25%

Happy place

2008-01-11T19:42:31Z

We all have those moments where we are the Starfish in Finding Nemo (no comments J) screaming "Find a happy place. FIND A HAPPY PLACE!"

Today is a happy place.

I'm still exhausted.
I'm still a little achy.
I'm still dealing with bullshit.

But for once this week, my heart feels relaxed... in it's happy place.

Starting Over Again

2008-01-06T06:49:03Z

As I stand on the edge of the rest of my life, I wish I remembered what I was thinking this time last year.

My divorce was in process and I was looking forward to my freedom. I knew I wanted to start all over again, I was excited about that, but I don't think I ever thought about what all that meant. In so many ways, I stumbled through 2007 figuring things out as I went along. And probably for the first time, I look back on 2007 so that I take it with me into 2008.

In 2007, I learned how to dream my own dreams again. Something that still feels so foreign to me after having so many years of chasing others' dreams. But, I am dreaming, and I'm working on dreaming bigger.

Singing, theater, the final phase of my weight loss journey, love, friendships, career, having fun, being open to new experiences... all of these things became a part of my life in the last year either for the first time or in a new way.

I learned that love doesn't have to hurt when you are in it, but saying goodbye to love sure does.
I learned that I have more strength and staying power than even I realized.
I learned that my friendships, no matter duration, gender or intensity, are essential to my existence.
I learned that the phrase "to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all" is true.
I learned that taking risks is vital to my happiness no matter how afraid I am of taking them.
I learned the importance of finishing what I've started.
And I learned that, at the end of the day, I'm responsible for my own happiness.

So, as I stand now starting a new year for the first time in my adult life single, I find myself so incredibly grateful. My hands are not empty, they are full and you are part of it. Thank you for holding on with me on the ride of life and for allowing me onto yours.

Here's to taking risks, having adventures and finding fulfillment!

Happy 2008.

Resolutions

2008-01-02T21:00:25Z

For years, I've held the New Year's Resolution that I will not make any resolutions. I've done well with that one - probably kept that one for a good 7 or 8 years running.

But something struck me yesterday - if you want things to be different, you have to do them differently. So I am.

For 2008, I resolve to:

Listen to my heart better, and heed it.
Not give up my dreams for myself for anyone.
Actually put forth effort into what I want for myself.

It's very interesting. After nailing down these three things a whole slew of stuff started to come up that I want to do in the immediate future. The most interesting part - none of them include dating at all.

Here's to doing thing different!

Just weirdness

2007-12-27T09:53:12Z

It doesn't feel like Christmas at all.

I feel completely backwards, upside down and turned inside out.

I saw Jason today. Well, actually, I went to see my cats. Mikayla sat on my lap for a full 30 - 45 minutes. She's a cuddler, but she's a cat and a Calico at that - she doesn't like to just sit. But she just sat there. But after all the drunk texting about sleeping with me that Jason has been sending to me lately, I needed to know if he really had feelings for me or if he's just the sex addict I know him to be and wants it where ever he can get it from. So, I gathered up every ounce of my courage (because either answer would be difficult) and I asked.

He actually has feelings for me. So I asked him for a favor (please don't freak out until I get to the end of this) and asked him to show me how he felt by kissing me. He more than happily complied and we made out... for a good 1/2 hour. He said he'd never kissed with so much passion. I felt nothing. And he's still a really crappy kisser. But I felt nothing. It did absolutely nothing for me. Leaving his place after saying goodbye to my furr ball was never so easy. But I had to risk it. I had to know for myself if it's just my own insecurity in who and what I am that was drawing me towards him because he wants me or if I still felt something for him. Well, now I know and I get to work on my insecurity. That's a much better place to be in my opinion.

Things are terribly disjointed here at Mom's. With Andi having moved out and the weird work schedules that she and Ryan have, we really don't get to have any family time. In fact, I'm quite bored. I made myself sick today by eating way too many carbs because there was really nothing better to do. It's not that I don't want to be here, but if I wanted to play computer games or watch TV, I could do that in the comfort of my own home, in my own bed instead of sitting and sleeping on this couch (which also happens to be mine, but anyway).

I found out Monday that Ted's restaurant deal probably isn't going to go through. Want to know how I found that out? His partner told me. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear it from Ted directly, I heard it from someone else I HARDLY KNOW! WTF! He can't even tell me as his friend that's on stand by to do work for him that it isn't happening yet? Well, that pushed me right over the edge from missing him into being pissed off at him, and that pushed me pretty much fully into being over him. Well, that and the fact that I've been e-mailing with a couple of guys lately... one that I'm very interested in and we are going to meet for lunch on Monday. I really want to confront him about this whole restaurant thing, but I'm going to do it in person. I've had the urge to text a few times, but only because I got so mad about it and now it's just, eh, whatever. Though I fully admit, I miss what we had and I'm also kinda pissed at him for taking it away, whatever the reason.

I've said it before and I'm saying it again - it's time for me to take back my life. I know I'm going to be taking some new classses (both voice and acting) with my friend Katie. I've told a couple of friends lately that happiness is something you create and give to yourself - it's not something someone else can give you or MAKE you feel. Time for me to take my own advice. No, I'm not done with men. Yes, I totally want to fall in love again. But... as much as I'm able, I need to stop looking for it and instead, go find me. I guess you could call that my New Year's resolution....

Holiday Drama

2007-12-25T05:09:14Z

We never manage to escape it. Andi moved out last Friday. You know how moving out goes - it takes you like 4 months to get all your stuff out of your parent's house. Well today, I think it hit Mom that Andi is really gone. She's been lethargic since church and family dinner was.... strained at best, despite both my brother and I trying to keep the mood light.

I need to go talk to her. See if she'll open up to me. Kinda don't want to though.

And extremely thankful for the 2 glasses of wine I had with dinner (no, I didn't drive).

Oh, and make mental note - being a regular at Marie Calendar's = 5 free pies on Christmas Eve.

Work update

2007-12-20T19:32:01Z

Several meetings occurred while I was travelling. I got the complete update today and it looks that they are planning to reduce the number of divisions from 5 to 3. This means a complete rework of everything.

I just got the notice about my interview - it's either gonna happen today or tomorrow. It won't be with the VP of Marketing that I thought I was going to meet with. It will be with one of the Promotions Directors. I actually know her and have worked somewhat closely with her. I'm nervous but trying to stay confident.

Who the hell am I kidding? I'm fucking scared.

Am I dead yet?

2007-12-20T08:11:31Z

Here's the last 48 hours or so...

Tuesday -
7 am Up and on the way to work, raining cats & dogs
8:10 am Actually start work get cranking
    Find out about early start time on Wednesday, start changing plans
    Manage to crank through evil newsletter in record time
12:15 pm Eat lunch at desk while working
2:30 pm Haul ass out of work to get home and get ready for trip - take cab, get receipt to expense
3:00 pm Finish up at home, grab bags and run out the door to the aiport
4:15 pm Finally arrive at the airport, stand in self check in line to get on stand by for about 10 minutes and then have them tell me I need to switch lines. Switch to line they tell me and they immediately make me switch to another line. Wait in line for another 15 minutes. Finally get to be the next person in line and I'm told that I could have done that at the self check in. DUH
4:45 pm Get on standby for the 6 pm flight
5:10 pm Get through security, to the gate and pick up some dinner at Peet's Coffee right next to the gate
   Log into work, check e-mail
5:50 pm Board the plane - got aisle row seating in a 1/2 empty plane - NICE
7:40 pm Land in Los Angeles
8:10 pm Actually get to the gate
8:45 pm Get picked up by the shuttle to the hotel which is less than 3 miles away
9:30 pm Get into room and order room service including bubbles
11 pm Crash

Wednesday
4:30 am Alarm goes off, wait a bit before actually getting out of bed
6:30 am Get picked up at hotel, sales rep Jennifer & I go straight to Starbucks
7:00 am Both of us get on 2 separate conference calls
8:00 am Start surveying
   It rains off and on throughout the day as we walk into approximately 14 different grocery stores counting bottles of wine, displays, etc. Had a great lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and I have to nudge several times that I really want to get on an earlier flight home so could we please hustle?
4:45 pm Get dropped off at the airport, soonest flight I can get on for standby is at 7:09 pm. I take it.
5:00 pm My moisturizer is confiscated in security. WTF?!!! I flew down there with it dammit!
6:30 pm Find out 7:09 flight is really really late
7:10 pm Find out flight will leave at about 7:40 and I won't be on it
7:35 pm Find out my original flight of 8:04 is also delayed, but at least I'll be on it.
7:59 pm Finally board the damn plane, thankful for the empty middle seat
9:45 pm Land in San Francisco
10:35 pm Walk out of BART to discover it's fucking pouring and realize - I didn't pack an umbrella.
11:30 pm Finally walk into my apartment, wet, to discover that my roommate closed up every room that she could and it smells like something is burning from the radiator just blowing into my room for the last 24 hours. Set my stuff down and find out - my back pack has been open while I walked around trying to catch a cab, catching the bus and walking home.
11:50 pm Set my alarm for 6:30 am so I can move my car in the morning for street sweeping.

I think I'm gonna try and work from home tomorrow.

Sometimes work hurts

2007-12-18T17:48:04Z

I'm travelling tonight down to Los Angeles for a very quick turn around trip for some field meetings. I'm looking forward to it overall - I don't get to do this very often. The plan was, I would fly out at 8 pm tonight, have an early start and then fly back tomorrow night getting in at about 9:30. I was perfectly fine with all of that until I got a phone call today.

I'm being picked up for these meetings at 5:15 am. Yep, that's right. So, we are changing plans now. I'm getting my butt to the airport by 5 to try and get on one of the earlier flights. There's a 6 pm and a 7 pm flight. Keep your fingers crossed. It's an 80 minute flight so I'll get my butt directly to the hotel, take a shower and an Ambien and pass out until (oh God) 4:30 am.

Now I'm sure some of you are going, "that's nothing, I get up at that time anyway". Well, I don't. I'm usually up between 7 and 7:30 and I'll actually have to be bright, shining and coherent at 5:15 am.

The good news in that - I'll be done by 3 pm and should be able to get on an earlier flight home too. Yeah to no late night BART!

Freaky work stuff

2007-12-17T23:46:45Z

If any of you watch the news or are into wine, you may have heard about the recent, major major acquisition that just happened between my company, Constellation Wines U.S., and Beam Wine Estates (own Clos du Bois, Wild Horse and a slew of others). Today, they announced that the deal is done. It closed this morning. While generally this is good news, we just heard them use the not so good sounding "R" word this afternoon in a conference - restructure.

They will be taking all 5 of the divisions of Constellation Wins U.S. (including the newly added Beam Wine Estates) and restructuring everything - specifically sales and marketing.

Over the next month, they will be interviewing marketing folks largely from my division and BWE to see who best fits where. And, while it's sad to say it's honest - there will be cuts.

So yes, I'm a little freaked out. I'm going to be interviewed over the next couple of weeks (waiting on the schedule to come out) to see if that promotion we were talking about for March 1 will actually happen or not. There's a good possibility I could still get it... and there's just as much of a possibility that I could lose my job altogether. Though either way, the change won't be effective until the start of the new fiscal, March 1, all the changes will be decided and announced January 15th.

I'm kinda scared, kinda excited. We'll see what happens. All I can do right now is wait.

Starts With Goodbye

2007-12-12T18:56:09Z

I've got this on repeat right now. Can we guess why?

Starts With Goodbye
Carrie Underwood

I was sittin on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it, and he wouldn't understand
So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break
But when you're standing at a cross road, there's a choice you've gotta make

(Chorus)
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved to get on to the other side
I guess it's gonna bring me down
Like falling when you're trying to fly
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I know there's a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me
But getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life's so bittersweet

Chorus

Time heals the wounds that you feel, somehow, but right now
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved to get on to the other side

Chorus

Ok... my first one of these

2007-11-17T07:29:30Z

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

Profanity

2007-11-01T17:42:47Z

You ever have one of those days where you just listen to yourself talking and think, "Damn! I'm good!"? Well, yesterday was one of those for me.

In a discussion with one acquaintance who was feeling particularly down on herself:

"Who you are when no one else is around is all that matters. And THAT is what you have to carry with you always."

And after helping a friend work through some intense disappointment:

"Tears are just the expression of pain passing through."

I'm sorry - I LOVE those. Maybe I'm talking to myself more than I was them, but DAMN I'M GOOD!!!

Who I am when I sit in my room by myself is soo beautiful to me. It's probably the only times I really see myself that way. And knowing that with every tear shed, pain is LEAVING me, that's just something totally and completely positive that hits me in a place where I can keep that with me. I love it.

And many thanks to the acquaintance who said of my before-surgery pic: "That doesn't make you NOT beautiful." Still have some work to do to integrate THAT into my psyche, but... thanks. Really, truly... thanks.

Something I noticed

2007-10-27T08:59:35Z

It's truly amazing the places you can find yourself in.
Remembering the groove that you faked to music that wasn't yours
Until you found your harmony in places
Where you thought you sung off key.

I really do want answers to this....

2007-10-09T00:27:25Z

Who are you when all there is is you?

Over You Lyrics

2007-09-24T17:30:05Z

I've fallen in love with this song. It's by the band Daughtry - lead singer Chris Daughtry was an American Idol finalist a couple of years ago. I love the whole CD, but this song has just got me. It first makes me think of my dad and all the work I've done with regards to the abuse. Second, it makes me think of Jason and all the work I still have to do.

Over You
Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and then tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too hard was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

(chorus)
Well, I never saw it coming
I should have started running a long long time ago
And I never thought I doubt you
I'm better off without you, more than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up, so did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

(chorus)

The Cats

2007-09-24T17:16:56Z

I just posted a pic of my furr face so ya'll ca meet her!

Huffing

2007-09-24T05:35:45Z

I really really really want a bottle of white out right now. I have that feeling that starts in the back of my throat that screams "sniff some white out and this will go away".

I don't keep it at home for a reason - this reason.

I have a little bit left at the office and it's going in the trash as soon as I get there tomorrow

But God Almighty! I wanna huff.

The Manipulation of Music

2007-09-20T22:43:24Z

Ok, so this can't be a new idea to anyone but it sure is striking me hard today.  Music changes my mood probably faster than anything, alcohol included (and for anyone who has seen me drink, you know that I get buzzed & drunk quite quick). Before I go into my internal debate on whether it was really music that changed my mood or the presence of conflicting emotions, I better go through the playlist I just worked off of.

Celine Dion All By Myself
Keith Urban Stupid Boy
Gloria Estefan Turn The Beat Around
Backstreet Boys Incomplete
Backstreet Boys Siberia
Superchick Stand In The Rain
Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On
Trace Adkins Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk
Daughtry Gone
Rob Thomas & Santana Smooth
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill It's Your Love
Journey When You Love A Woman
Journey Send Her My Love
Martina McBride Where Would You Be
Sara Evans I Could Not Ask For More
Rascal Flatts Life Is A Highway
Aretha Franklin Chain of Fools
Backstreet Boys My Beautiful Woman
Dixie Chicks Not Ready To Make Nice
JoDee Messina My Give A Damn's Busted
Ashley Monroe I Don't Want To
Ella Fitzgerald I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons)
Chorus Line One
Journey Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Ok, all jokes aside about the fact that yes, I still adore the Backstreet Boys (and occasionally drool) and how ALL over the place this play list is in terms of music styles, I feel like I've just been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - up, down, turned inside out (wait, isn't that a Pointer Sister's song?), crying, laughing and shaking my groove thang for the last 2 hours.

I start of this thing sobbing, in fact had to play both Celine and Keith Urban about 3 times each because of the feelings they bring up for me.   One with my failed marriage, the other reminding me of my abusive father. Then we've got dance your ass off and right down into sappy love song. Siberia is another one of those songs that I have to listen to at least 3 times because of the scatting at the end is just so incredibly melodic that it grabs ahold of me. And the lyrics - the story of my romantic life. Then we move on into, "this too shall pass" and right back into sobbing hysterically as I think of my sister, Andrea, who just found out last night that her ex-fiance was cheating on her with a friend. Now we're back to generally dancing for 2 songs and then I'm right back into thinking about Det (the bf - name changed until he decides we can tell the world we're together). I get a one song mental break and then I'm reminded again of my ex-husband. I remember when that Martina song came out - I'd play it in the car over and over and over wondering if that's how he felt about me. And what do you know? He did.

Back to sappy love song and then two dance your ass off songs that still have me thinking of Det. My Beautiful Woman is one I'd love to have dedicated to me one day....ahhhh   Then comes the song that I sang the shit out of only to loose in competition for really really stupid reasons. I Don't Want To is one that makes me think of Det and the fact that I can't be open about the fact that we're in a relationship together. I really could leave and move on and do something (and someone) different, I just don't want to. And of course to follow that up with Ella Fitzgerald - geez, talk about feeling sappy at it's most intense. Could I have a microphone please? And then I wrap up my two hours of working on my closet with something at least moderately up beat that leaves me feeling... well, spent.

Ok, so what is it? Is it really the music that gets me on this roller coaster, or is it just the vehicle that takes me through the emotions that I really need to get through? I've got so much more pent up inside than I realized. Being able to get some good sleep while on "vacation" has put the physical in perspective enough that the emotional is overflowing...

Thing is, nothing that happened to me while working on my disaster of a closet and listening to this playlist was something that wasn't already there. The music didn't generate it, it just released it. Paradox is - is it really released or just acknowledged?

Ok, I'm starting to drive myself crazy again analyzing this. I need to go do some shoe-rationalization... So, here's to the next portion of the playlist and whatever it brings (somebody have some alcohol while they read this so they can toast that for me before I get to dinner tonight).

First things first

2007-09-20T17:30:43Z

Well, for someone who usually doesn't have a problem letting things flow onto paper... I'm stumped. A good part of me wants to do one of those, "I was born on a Tuesday in 1977... " sort of beginnings but that just seems to be a bit too much.

So, I guess I go back to why I'm here at all.

I'm here because I like to write. I actually tried starting a journal in Word like 15 years ago but that didn't quite work for me. Probably because I didn't have any opportunity to share what I wanted to share or gain any kind of support for the dark places I go to. It's time to start doing that.

Of course that leads me into a whole other place of being (in some ways) deathly afraid of showing who I really am. As much as I can feign self confidence a good portion of the time, the reality is that I don't truly believe that I am very worthy. After writing that, Kelly Clarkson's song Beautiful Disaster just came into my head and while she talks about a man in her life, it seems fitting for me too. "Oh and I don't know, I don't know what he's (I'm) after, but he's so beautiful, just a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster." That's what I wonder about myself. If I can get through all of what I have to get through, will it be beautiful or just an absolute disaster?

I'm not particularly in a dark place right now, though I am in one of not truly feeling very... worthy. I know this is largely because I'm dealing with some things that I would rather not, but is necessary. Yeah, like what:

1) My divorce - after 10 years together and 8 years of marriage, my divorce is finally over. Jason & I married when I was 21 and he was 25. At the time, I know I loved him and that he loved me the best he was able, but looking back, that was never going to be enough. While I would like to say that it was his cheating that brought us down, there are plenty of other things that contributed to our downfall which I'll admit to someone other than myself one of these days.

2) My job - bottom line - I work too much and I work too hard and I've let them take advantage of that. I'm taking my first vacation in a very very very long time and at the first sign of someone needing me urgently at work, I fold like cards and jump in to take care of it. It could wait for me, it's not critical, but no... my need to be needed kicks in and I'm back on my e-mail taking care of everyone else's shit. Dammit.

3) My weight - three years after my gastric bypass surgery and after 220 pounds off, I'm in the same emotional place I was back then. I don't like how I look. Oh yes, things will change and look different again after I get my tummy tuck and those additional pounds off and a semi-flat stomach and probably look drop dead gorgeous like I always wanted to. Problem is, I won't see drop dead gorgeous. I'll see myself at 400 pounds again, because that's who I'm seeing now. It's in my head. To me, I've never truly been pretty, let alone beautiful or sexy and that mental image has slowly come creeping back in. In my head, I know I'm not that woman anymore... in my heart, I'm still the loner fat chick.

4) My boyfriend - is it any wonder that with all of this I'm having a helluva hard time believing that I've got a good man who might actually love me? I mean, I'm in one of those "why would anyone love me anyway?" places so that's just natural transference. Thing is, if I don't get a grip and start to trust what I know is there, I'm going to loose it and I'm in love with the man and he has the potential to be everything I always wanted. I say potential because relationship building takes time not because I think I need to change him.

It's so much easier for me to help others than it is to help myself. Well, ok, yeah, who isn't that easier for? It's ALWAYS easier to solve someone else's problems instead of your own. I've always had a problem acting on behalf of myself, for myself or in conjunction with myself. I usually manage to sabotage myself or just do things that make everything harder for myself. I just heard about 3 voices go off in my head saying, "well, stop it!".

I think it's time to go sing again... I wonder if I can sing without crying, or maybe it's better to let myself stand on that stage and sing and let the tears flow. Oooh, that's kinda scary... that would be more of myself to show than I've ever let get exposed before. But hey, that's what music and performing is about - pushing the limits of exposure.

Now I'm getting disjointed and so I'm going to stop and regroup. But I'm here. I kinda feel like I'm staring into a cavern shouting hello and wondering if I'm going to hear anything back other than my own voice echoing...

Welcome to the journey of my life... Here's to making it end up different than how it started because at least different means I didn't settle for it staying the same!