It  doesn't feel like Christmas at all. 

I feel completely backwards, upside down and turned inside out.

I saw Jason today. Well, actually, I went to see my cats. Mikayla sat on my lap for a full 30 - 45 minutes. She's a cuddler, but she's a cat and a Calico at that - she doesn't like to just sit. But she just sat there.  But after all the drunk texting about sleeping with me that Jason has been sending to me lately, I needed to know if he really had feelings for me or if he's just the sex addict I know him to be and wants it where ever he can get it from. So, I gathered up every ounce of my courage (because either answer would be difficult) and I asked.

He actually has feelings for me. So I asked him for a favor (please don't freak out until I get to the end of this) and asked him to show me how he felt by kissing me. He more than happily complied and we made out... for a good 1/2 hour. He said he'd never kissed with so much passion. I felt nothing. And he's still a really crappy kisser. But I felt nothing. It did absolutely nothing for me. Leaving his place after saying goodbye to my furr ball was never so easy.  But I had to risk it. I had to know for myself if it's just my own insecurity in who and what I am that was drawing me towards him because he wants me or if I still felt something for him. Well, now I know and I get to work on my insecurity. That's a much better place to be in my opinion.

Things are terribly disjointed here at Mom's. With Andi having moved out and the weird work schedules that she and Ryan have, we really don't get to have any family time. In fact, I'm quite bored. I made myself sick today by eating way too many carbs because there was really nothing better to do. It's not that I don't want to be here, but if I wanted to play computer games or watch TV, I could do that in the comfort of my own home, in my own bed instead of sitting and sleeping on this couch (which also happens to be mine, but anyway). 

I found out Monday that Ted's restaurant deal probably isn't going to go through. Want to know how I found that out? His partner told me. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear it from Ted directly, I heard it from someone else I HARDLY KNOW! WTF!  He can't even tell me as his friend that's on stand by to do work for him that it isn't happening yet? Well, that pushed me right over the edge from missing him into being pissed off at him, and that pushed me pretty much fully into being over him. Well, that and the fact that I've been e-mailing with a couple of guys lately... one that I'm very interested in and we are going to meet for lunch on Monday. I really want to confront him about this whole restaurant thing, but I'm going to do it in person. I've had the urge to text a few times, but only because I got so mad about it and now it's just, eh, whatever. Though I fully admit, I miss what we had and I'm also kinda pissed at him for taking it away, whatever the reason. 

I've said it before and I'm saying it again - it's time for me to take back my life. I know I'm going to be taking some new classses (both voice and acting) with my friend Katie. I've told a couple of friends lately that happiness is something you create and give to yourself - it's not something someone else can give you or MAKE you feel. Time for me to take my own advice. No, I'm not done with men. Yes, I totally want to fall in love again. But... as much as I'm able, I need to stop looking for it and instead, go find me. I guess you could call that my New Year's resolution....

Tags: andrea, christmas, jason, mom, new years, ryan, ted
Current Location: mom's
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: CMT Late Night Music Video Rotation

We never manage to escape it. Andi moved out last Friday. You know how moving out goes - it takes you like 4 months to get all your stuff out of your parent's house. Well today, I think it hit Mom that Andi is really gone. She's been lethargic since church and family dinner was.... strained at best, despite both my brother and I trying to keep the mood light.

I need to go talk to her. See if she'll open up to me.  Kinda don't want to though.

And extremely thankful for the 2 glasses of wine I had with dinner (no, I didn't drive). 

Oh, and make mental note - being a regular at Marie Calendar's = 5 free pies on Christmas Eve.

Tags: andrea, christmas, mom
Current Location: mom's
Current Mood: relaxed

Ok, so this can't be a new idea to anyone but it sure is striking me hard today.  Music changes my mood probably faster than anything, alcohol included (and for anyone who has seen me drink, you know that I get buzzed & drunk quite quick).  Before I go into my internal debate on whether it was really music that changed my mood or the presence of conflicting emotions, I better go through the playlist I just worked off of.

Celine Dion  All By Myself
Keith Urban Stupid Boy
Gloria Estefan Turn The Beat Around
Backstreet Boys Incomplete
Backstreet Boys Siberia
Superchick Stand In The Rain
Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On
Trace Adkins Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk
Daughtry Gone
Rob Thomas & Santana Smooth
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill It's Your Love
Journey When You Love A Woman
Journey Send Her My Love
Martina McBride Where Would You Be
Sara Evans I Could Not Ask For More
Rascal Flatts Life Is A Highway
Aretha Franklin Chain of Fools
Backstreet Boys My Beautiful Woman
Dixie Chicks Not Ready To Make Nice
JoDee Messina My Give A Damn's Busted
Ashley Monroe I Don't Want To
Ella Fitzgerald I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons)
Chorus Line One
Journey Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Ok, all jokes aside about the fact that yes, I still adore the Backstreet Boys  (and occasionally drool) and how ALL over the place this play list is in terms of music styles, I feel like I've just been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - up, down, turned inside out (wait, isn't that a Pointer Sister's song?), crying, laughing and shaking my groove thang for the last 2 hours.  

I start of this thing sobbing, in fact had to play both Celine and Keith Urban about 3 times each because of the feelings they bring up for me.   One with my failed marriage, the other reminding me of my abusive father.  Then we've got dance your ass off and right down into sappy love song.  Siberia is another one of those songs that I have to listen to at least 3 times because of the scatting at the end is just so incredibly melodic that it grabs ahold of me. And the lyrics - the story of my romantic life.  Then we move on into, "this too shall pass" and right back into sobbing hysterically as I think of my sister, Andrea, who just found out last night that her ex-fiance was cheating on her with a friend.  Now we're back to generally dancing for 2 songs and then I'm right back into thinking about Det (the bf - name changed until he decides we can tell the world we're together).  I get a one song mental break and then I'm reminded again of my ex-husband.  I remember when that Martina song came out - I'd play it in the car over and over and over wondering if that's how he felt about me.  And what do you know?  He did.

Back to sappy love song and then two dance your ass off songs that still have me thinking of Det.  My Beautiful Woman is one I'd love to have dedicated to me one day....ahhhh   Then comes the song that I sang the shit out of only to loose in competition for really really stupid reasons.  I Don't Want To is one that makes me think of Det and the fact that I can't be open about the fact that we're in a relationship together.  I really could leave and move on and do something (and someone) different, I just don't want to.  And of course to follow that up with Ella Fitzgerald - geez, talk about feeling sappy at it's most intense.  Could I have a microphone please?  And then I wrap up my two hours of working on my closet with something at least moderately up beat that leaves me feeling... well, spent.

Ok, so what is it?  Is it really the music that gets me on this roller coaster, or is it just the vehicle that takes me through the emotions that I really need to get through?  I've got so much more pent up inside than I realized. Being able to get some good sleep while on "vacation" has put the physical in perspective enough that the emotional is overflowing...  

Thing is, nothing that happened to me while working on my disaster of a closet and listening to this playlist was something that wasn't already there.  The music didn't generate it, it just released it.  Paradox is - is it really released or just acknowledged?

Ok, I'm starting to drive myself crazy again analyzing this.  I need to go do some shoe-rationalization...  So, here's to the next portion of the playlist and whatever it brings (somebody have some alcohol while they read this so they can toast that for me before I get to dinner tonight).

Tags: andrea, det, emotion, jason, music
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: See Post