Well, for someone who usually doesn't have a problem letting things flow onto paper... I'm stumped.  A good part of me wants to do one of those, "I was born on a Tuesday in 1977... " sort of beginnings but that just seems to be a bit too much.

So, I guess I go back to why I'm here at all.  

I'm here because I like to write.  I actually tried starting a journal in Word like 15 years ago but that didn't quite work for me.  Probably because I didn't have any opportunity to share what I wanted to share or gain any kind of support for the dark places I go to.  It's time to start doing that.  

Of course that leads me into a whole other place of being (in some ways) deathly afraid of showing who I really am.  As much as I can feign self confidence a good portion of the time, the reality is that I don't truly believe that I am very worthy. After writing that, Kelly Clarkson's song Beautiful Disaster just came into my head and while she talks about a man in her life, it seems fitting for me too.  "Oh and I don't know, I don't know what he's (I'm) after, but he's so beautiful, just a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster."  That's what I wonder about myself.  If I can get through all of what I have to get through, will it be beautiful or just an absolute disaster?

I'm not particularly in a dark place right now, though I am in one of not truly feeling very... worthy.  I know this is largely because I'm dealing with some things that I would rather not, but is necessary.  Yeah, like what:

1) My divorce - after 10 years together and 8 years of marriage, my divorce is finally over.  Jason & I married when I was 21 and he was 25.  At the time, I know I loved him and that he loved me the best he was able, but looking back, that was never going to be enough.  While I would like to say that it was his cheating that brought us down, there are plenty of other things that contributed to our downfall which I'll admit to someone other than myself one of these days.

2) My job - bottom line - I work too much and I work too hard and I've let them take advantage of that.  I'm taking my first vacation in a very very very long time and at the first sign of someone needing me urgently at work, I fold like cards and jump in to take care of it.  It could wait for me, it's not critical, but no... my need to be needed kicks in and I'm back on my e-mail taking care of everyone else's shit.  Dammit.

3) My weight - three years after my gastric bypass surgery and after 220 pounds off, I'm in the same emotional place I was back then.  I don't like how I look.  Oh yes, things will change and look different again after I get my tummy tuck and those additional pounds off and a semi-flat stomach and probably look drop dead gorgeous like I always wanted to.  Problem is, I won't see drop dead gorgeous.  I'll see myself at 400 pounds again, because that's who I'm seeing now. It's in my head.  To me, I've never truly been pretty, let alone beautiful or sexy and that mental image has slowly come creeping back in.  In my head, I know I'm not that woman anymore... in my heart, I'm still the loner fat chick.

4) My boyfriend - is it any wonder that with all of this I'm having a helluva hard time believing that I've got a good man who might actually love me?  I mean, I'm in one of those "why would anyone love me anyway?" places so that's just natural transference.  Thing is, if I don't get a grip and start to trust what I know is there, I'm going to loose it and I'm in love with the man and he has the potential to be everything I always wanted.  I say potential because relationship building takes time not because I think I need to change him.

It's so much easier for me to help others than it is to help myself.  Well, ok, yeah, who isn't that easier for?  It's ALWAYS easier to solve someone else's problems instead of your own.  I've always had a problem acting on behalf of myself, for myself or in conjunction with myself.  I usually manage to sabotage myself or just do things that make everything harder for myself.  I just heard about 3 voices go off in my head saying, "well, stop it!".  

I think it's time to go sing again...  I wonder if I can sing without crying, or maybe it's better to let myself stand on that stage and sing and let the tears flow.  Oooh, that's kinda scary... that would be more of myself to show than I've ever let get exposed before.  But hey, that's what music and performing is about - pushing the limits of exposure.

Now I'm getting disjointed and so I'm going to stop and regroup.  But I'm here. I kinda feel like I'm staring into a cavern shouting hello and wondering if I'm going to hear anything back other than my own voice echoing...

Welcome to the journey of my life... Here's to making it end up different than how it started because at least different means I didn't settle for it staying the same!

Tags: exposure, gastric bypass, jason, singing
Current Mood: out there