It  doesn't feel like Christmas at all. 

I feel completely backwards, upside down and turned inside out.

I saw Jason today. Well, actually, I went to see my cats. Mikayla sat on my lap for a full 30 - 45 minutes. She's a cuddler, but she's a cat and a Calico at that - she doesn't like to just sit. But she just sat there.  But after all the drunk texting about sleeping with me that Jason has been sending to me lately, I needed to know if he really had feelings for me or if he's just the sex addict I know him to be and wants it where ever he can get it from. So, I gathered up every ounce of my courage (because either answer would be difficult) and I asked.

He actually has feelings for me. So I asked him for a favor (please don't freak out until I get to the end of this) and asked him to show me how he felt by kissing me. He more than happily complied and we made out... for a good 1/2 hour. He said he'd never kissed with so much passion. I felt nothing. And he's still a really crappy kisser. But I felt nothing. It did absolutely nothing for me. Leaving his place after saying goodbye to my furr ball was never so easy.  But I had to risk it. I had to know for myself if it's just my own insecurity in who and what I am that was drawing me towards him because he wants me or if I still felt something for him. Well, now I know and I get to work on my insecurity. That's a much better place to be in my opinion.

Things are terribly disjointed here at Mom's. With Andi having moved out and the weird work schedules that she and Ryan have, we really don't get to have any family time. In fact, I'm quite bored. I made myself sick today by eating way too many carbs because there was really nothing better to do. It's not that I don't want to be here, but if I wanted to play computer games or watch TV, I could do that in the comfort of my own home, in my own bed instead of sitting and sleeping on this couch (which also happens to be mine, but anyway). 

I found out Monday that Ted's restaurant deal probably isn't going to go through. Want to know how I found that out? His partner told me. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear it from Ted directly, I heard it from someone else I HARDLY KNOW! WTF!  He can't even tell me as his friend that's on stand by to do work for him that it isn't happening yet? Well, that pushed me right over the edge from missing him into being pissed off at him, and that pushed me pretty much fully into being over him. Well, that and the fact that I've been e-mailing with a couple of guys lately... one that I'm very interested in and we are going to meet for lunch on Monday. I really want to confront him about this whole restaurant thing, but I'm going to do it in person. I've had the urge to text a few times, but only because I got so mad about it and now it's just, eh, whatever. Though I fully admit, I miss what we had and I'm also kinda pissed at him for taking it away, whatever the reason. 

I've said it before and I'm saying it again - it's time for me to take back my life. I know I'm going to be taking some new classses (both voice and acting) with my friend Katie. I've told a couple of friends lately that happiness is something you create and give to yourself - it's not something someone else can give you or MAKE you feel. Time for me to take my own advice. No, I'm not done with men. Yes, I totally want to fall in love again. But... as much as I'm able, I need to stop looking for it and instead, go find me. I guess you could call that my New Year's resolution....

Tags: andrea, christmas, jason, mom, new years, ryan, ted
Current Location: mom's
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: CMT Late Night Music Video Rotation

I've fallen in love with this song.  It's by the band Daughtry - lead singer Chris Daughtry was an American Idol finalist a couple of years ago. I love the whole CD, but this song has just got me.  It first makes me think of my dad and all the work I've done with regards to the abuse.  Second, it makes me think of Jason and all the work I still have to do.

Over You
Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and then tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too hard was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

(chorus) 
Well, I never saw it coming
I should have started running a long long time ago
And I never thought I doubt you
I'm better off without you, more than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up, so did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me 

(chorus)

Tags: dad, daughtry, jason, music
Current Location: work
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Over You

Ok, so this can't be a new idea to anyone but it sure is striking me hard today.  Music changes my mood probably faster than anything, alcohol included (and for anyone who has seen me drink, you know that I get buzzed & drunk quite quick).  Before I go into my internal debate on whether it was really music that changed my mood or the presence of conflicting emotions, I better go through the playlist I just worked off of.

Celine Dion  All By Myself
Keith Urban Stupid Boy
Gloria Estefan Turn The Beat Around
Backstreet Boys Incomplete
Backstreet Boys Siberia
Superchick Stand In The Rain
Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On
Trace Adkins Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk
Daughtry Gone
Rob Thomas & Santana Smooth
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill It's Your Love
Journey When You Love A Woman
Journey Send Her My Love
Martina McBride Where Would You Be
Sara Evans I Could Not Ask For More
Rascal Flatts Life Is A Highway
Aretha Franklin Chain of Fools
Backstreet Boys My Beautiful Woman
Dixie Chicks Not Ready To Make Nice
JoDee Messina My Give A Damn's Busted
Ashley Monroe I Don't Want To
Ella Fitzgerald I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons)
Chorus Line One
Journey Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Ok, all jokes aside about the fact that yes, I still adore the Backstreet Boys  (and occasionally drool) and how ALL over the place this play list is in terms of music styles, I feel like I've just been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - up, down, turned inside out (wait, isn't that a Pointer Sister's song?), crying, laughing and shaking my groove thang for the last 2 hours.  

I start of this thing sobbing, in fact had to play both Celine and Keith Urban about 3 times each because of the feelings they bring up for me.   One with my failed marriage, the other reminding me of my abusive father.  Then we've got dance your ass off and right down into sappy love song.  Siberia is another one of those songs that I have to listen to at least 3 times because of the scatting at the end is just so incredibly melodic that it grabs ahold of me. And the lyrics - the story of my romantic life.  Then we move on into, "this too shall pass" and right back into sobbing hysterically as I think of my sister, Andrea, who just found out last night that her ex-fiance was cheating on her with a friend.  Now we're back to generally dancing for 2 songs and then I'm right back into thinking about Det (the bf - name changed until he decides we can tell the world we're together).  I get a one song mental break and then I'm reminded again of my ex-husband.  I remember when that Martina song came out - I'd play it in the car over and over and over wondering if that's how he felt about me.  And what do you know?  He did.

Back to sappy love song and then two dance your ass off songs that still have me thinking of Det.  My Beautiful Woman is one I'd love to have dedicated to me one day....ahhhh   Then comes the song that I sang the shit out of only to loose in competition for really really stupid reasons.  I Don't Want To is one that makes me think of Det and the fact that I can't be open about the fact that we're in a relationship together.  I really could leave and move on and do something (and someone) different, I just don't want to.  And of course to follow that up with Ella Fitzgerald - geez, talk about feeling sappy at it's most intense.  Could I have a microphone please?  And then I wrap up my two hours of working on my closet with something at least moderately up beat that leaves me feeling... well, spent.

Ok, so what is it?  Is it really the music that gets me on this roller coaster, or is it just the vehicle that takes me through the emotions that I really need to get through?  I've got so much more pent up inside than I realized. Being able to get some good sleep while on "vacation" has put the physical in perspective enough that the emotional is overflowing...  

Thing is, nothing that happened to me while working on my disaster of a closet and listening to this playlist was something that wasn't already there.  The music didn't generate it, it just released it.  Paradox is - is it really released or just acknowledged?

Ok, I'm starting to drive myself crazy again analyzing this.  I need to go do some shoe-rationalization...  So, here's to the next portion of the playlist and whatever it brings (somebody have some alcohol while they read this so they can toast that for me before I get to dinner tonight).

Tags: andrea, det, emotion, jason, music
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: See Post

Well, for someone who usually doesn't have a problem letting things flow onto paper... I'm stumped.  A good part of me wants to do one of those, "I was born on a Tuesday in 1977... " sort of beginnings but that just seems to be a bit too much.

So, I guess I go back to why I'm here at all.  

I'm here because I like to write.  I actually tried starting a journal in Word like 15 years ago but that didn't quite work for me.  Probably because I didn't have any opportunity to share what I wanted to share or gain any kind of support for the dark places I go to.  It's time to start doing that.  

Of course that leads me into a whole other place of being (in some ways) deathly afraid of showing who I really am.  As much as I can feign self confidence a good portion of the time, the reality is that I don't truly believe that I am very worthy. After writing that, Kelly Clarkson's song Beautiful Disaster just came into my head and while she talks about a man in her life, it seems fitting for me too.  "Oh and I don't know, I don't know what he's (I'm) after, but he's so beautiful, just a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster."  That's what I wonder about myself.  If I can get through all of what I have to get through, will it be beautiful or just an absolute disaster?

I'm not particularly in a dark place right now, though I am in one of not truly feeling very... worthy.  I know this is largely because I'm dealing with some things that I would rather not, but is necessary.  Yeah, like what:

1) My divorce - after 10 years together and 8 years of marriage, my divorce is finally over.  Jason & I married when I was 21 and he was 25.  At the time, I know I loved him and that he loved me the best he was able, but looking back, that was never going to be enough.  While I would like to say that it was his cheating that brought us down, there are plenty of other things that contributed to our downfall which I'll admit to someone other than myself one of these days.

2) My job - bottom line - I work too much and I work too hard and I've let them take advantage of that.  I'm taking my first vacation in a very very very long time and at the first sign of someone needing me urgently at work, I fold like cards and jump in to take care of it.  It could wait for me, it's not critical, but no... my need to be needed kicks in and I'm back on my e-mail taking care of everyone else's shit.  Dammit.

3) My weight - three years after my gastric bypass surgery and after 220 pounds off, I'm in the same emotional place I was back then.  I don't like how I look.  Oh yes, things will change and look different again after I get my tummy tuck and those additional pounds off and a semi-flat stomach and probably look drop dead gorgeous like I always wanted to.  Problem is, I won't see drop dead gorgeous.  I'll see myself at 400 pounds again, because that's who I'm seeing now. It's in my head.  To me, I've never truly been pretty, let alone beautiful or sexy and that mental image has slowly come creeping back in.  In my head, I know I'm not that woman anymore... in my heart, I'm still the loner fat chick.

4) My boyfriend - is it any wonder that with all of this I'm having a helluva hard time believing that I've got a good man who might actually love me?  I mean, I'm in one of those "why would anyone love me anyway?" places so that's just natural transference.  Thing is, if I don't get a grip and start to trust what I know is there, I'm going to loose it and I'm in love with the man and he has the potential to be everything I always wanted.  I say potential because relationship building takes time not because I think I need to change him.

It's so much easier for me to help others than it is to help myself.  Well, ok, yeah, who isn't that easier for?  It's ALWAYS easier to solve someone else's problems instead of your own.  I've always had a problem acting on behalf of myself, for myself or in conjunction with myself.  I usually manage to sabotage myself or just do things that make everything harder for myself.  I just heard about 3 voices go off in my head saying, "well, stop it!".  

I think it's time to go sing again...  I wonder if I can sing without crying, or maybe it's better to let myself stand on that stage and sing and let the tears flow.  Oooh, that's kinda scary... that would be more of myself to show than I've ever let get exposed before.  But hey, that's what music and performing is about - pushing the limits of exposure.

Now I'm getting disjointed and so I'm going to stop and regroup.  But I'm here. I kinda feel like I'm staring into a cavern shouting hello and wondering if I'm going to hear anything back other than my own voice echoing...

Welcome to the journey of my life... Here's to making it end up different than how it started because at least different means I didn't settle for it staying the same!

Tags: exposure, gastric bypass, jason, singing
Current Mood: out there