I've got this on repeat right now.  Can we guess why?

Starts With Goodbye  
Carrie Underwood

I was sittin on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it, and he wouldn't understand
So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break
But when you're standing at a cross road, there's a choice you've gotta make

(Chorus)
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved to get on to the other side
I guess it's gonna bring me down
Like falling when you're trying to fly
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I know there's a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me
But getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life's so bittersweet

Chorus

Time heals the wounds that you feel, somehow, but right now
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved to get on to the other side

Chorus

Tags: music, ted
Current Location: work
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Starts With Goodbye

I've fallen in love with this song.  It's by the band Daughtry - lead singer Chris Daughtry was an American Idol finalist a couple of years ago. I love the whole CD, but this song has just got me.  It first makes me think of my dad and all the work I've done with regards to the abuse.  Second, it makes me think of Jason and all the work I still have to do.

Over You
Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and then tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too hard was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

(chorus) 
Well, I never saw it coming
I should have started running a long long time ago
And I never thought I doubt you
I'm better off without you, more than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up, so did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me 

(chorus)

Tags: dad, daughtry, jason, music
Current Location: work
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Over You

Ok, so this can't be a new idea to anyone but it sure is striking me hard today.  Music changes my mood probably faster than anything, alcohol included (and for anyone who has seen me drink, you know that I get buzzed & drunk quite quick).  Before I go into my internal debate on whether it was really music that changed my mood or the presence of conflicting emotions, I better go through the playlist I just worked off of.

Celine Dion  All By Myself
Keith Urban Stupid Boy
Gloria Estefan Turn The Beat Around
Backstreet Boys Incomplete
Backstreet Boys Siberia
Superchick Stand In The Rain
Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On
Trace Adkins Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk
Daughtry Gone
Rob Thomas & Santana Smooth
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill It's Your Love
Journey When You Love A Woman
Journey Send Her My Love
Martina McBride Where Would You Be
Sara Evans I Could Not Ask For More
Rascal Flatts Life Is A Highway
Aretha Franklin Chain of Fools
Backstreet Boys My Beautiful Woman
Dixie Chicks Not Ready To Make Nice
JoDee Messina My Give A Damn's Busted
Ashley Monroe I Don't Want To
Ella Fitzgerald I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons)
Chorus Line One
Journey Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Ok, all jokes aside about the fact that yes, I still adore the Backstreet Boys  (and occasionally drool) and how ALL over the place this play list is in terms of music styles, I feel like I've just been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - up, down, turned inside out (wait, isn't that a Pointer Sister's song?), crying, laughing and shaking my groove thang for the last 2 hours.  

I start of this thing sobbing, in fact had to play both Celine and Keith Urban about 3 times each because of the feelings they bring up for me.   One with my failed marriage, the other reminding me of my abusive father.  Then we've got dance your ass off and right down into sappy love song.  Siberia is another one of those songs that I have to listen to at least 3 times because of the scatting at the end is just so incredibly melodic that it grabs ahold of me. And the lyrics - the story of my romantic life.  Then we move on into, "this too shall pass" and right back into sobbing hysterically as I think of my sister, Andrea, who just found out last night that her ex-fiance was cheating on her with a friend.  Now we're back to generally dancing for 2 songs and then I'm right back into thinking about Det (the bf - name changed until he decides we can tell the world we're together).  I get a one song mental break and then I'm reminded again of my ex-husband.  I remember when that Martina song came out - I'd play it in the car over and over and over wondering if that's how he felt about me.  And what do you know?  He did.

Back to sappy love song and then two dance your ass off songs that still have me thinking of Det.  My Beautiful Woman is one I'd love to have dedicated to me one day....ahhhh   Then comes the song that I sang the shit out of only to loose in competition for really really stupid reasons.  I Don't Want To is one that makes me think of Det and the fact that I can't be open about the fact that we're in a relationship together.  I really could leave and move on and do something (and someone) different, I just don't want to.  And of course to follow that up with Ella Fitzgerald - geez, talk about feeling sappy at it's most intense.  Could I have a microphone please?  And then I wrap up my two hours of working on my closet with something at least moderately up beat that leaves me feeling... well, spent.

Ok, so what is it?  Is it really the music that gets me on this roller coaster, or is it just the vehicle that takes me through the emotions that I really need to get through?  I've got so much more pent up inside than I realized. Being able to get some good sleep while on "vacation" has put the physical in perspective enough that the emotional is overflowing...  

Thing is, nothing that happened to me while working on my disaster of a closet and listening to this playlist was something that wasn't already there.  The music didn't generate it, it just released it.  Paradox is - is it really released or just acknowledged?

Ok, I'm starting to drive myself crazy again analyzing this.  I need to go do some shoe-rationalization...  So, here's to the next portion of the playlist and whatever it brings (somebody have some alcohol while they read this so they can toast that for me before I get to dinner tonight).

Tags: andrea, det, emotion, jason, music
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: See Post