It  doesn't feel like Christmas at all. 

I feel completely backwards, upside down and turned inside out.

I saw Jason today. Well, actually, I went to see my cats. Mikayla sat on my lap for a full 30 - 45 minutes. She's a cuddler, but she's a cat and a Calico at that - she doesn't like to just sit. But she just sat there.  But after all the drunk texting about sleeping with me that Jason has been sending to me lately, I needed to know if he really had feelings for me or if he's just the sex addict I know him to be and wants it where ever he can get it from. So, I gathered up every ounce of my courage (because either answer would be difficult) and I asked.

He actually has feelings for me. So I asked him for a favor (please don't freak out until I get to the end of this) and asked him to show me how he felt by kissing me. He more than happily complied and we made out... for a good 1/2 hour. He said he'd never kissed with so much passion. I felt nothing. And he's still a really crappy kisser. But I felt nothing. It did absolutely nothing for me. Leaving his place after saying goodbye to my furr ball was never so easy.  But I had to risk it. I had to know for myself if it's just my own insecurity in who and what I am that was drawing me towards him because he wants me or if I still felt something for him. Well, now I know and I get to work on my insecurity. That's a much better place to be in my opinion.

Things are terribly disjointed here at Mom's. With Andi having moved out and the weird work schedules that she and Ryan have, we really don't get to have any family time. In fact, I'm quite bored. I made myself sick today by eating way too many carbs because there was really nothing better to do. It's not that I don't want to be here, but if I wanted to play computer games or watch TV, I could do that in the comfort of my own home, in my own bed instead of sitting and sleeping on this couch (which also happens to be mine, but anyway). 

I found out Monday that Ted's restaurant deal probably isn't going to go through. Want to know how I found that out? His partner told me. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear it from Ted directly, I heard it from someone else I HARDLY KNOW! WTF!  He can't even tell me as his friend that's on stand by to do work for him that it isn't happening yet? Well, that pushed me right over the edge from missing him into being pissed off at him, and that pushed me pretty much fully into being over him. Well, that and the fact that I've been e-mailing with a couple of guys lately... one that I'm very interested in and we are going to meet for lunch on Monday. I really want to confront him about this whole restaurant thing, but I'm going to do it in person. I've had the urge to text a few times, but only because I got so mad about it and now it's just, eh, whatever. Though I fully admit, I miss what we had and I'm also kinda pissed at him for taking it away, whatever the reason. 

I've said it before and I'm saying it again - it's time for me to take back my life. I know I'm going to be taking some new classses (both voice and acting) with my friend Katie. I've told a couple of friends lately that happiness is something you create and give to yourself - it's not something someone else can give you or MAKE you feel. Time for me to take my own advice. No, I'm not done with men. Yes, I totally want to fall in love again. But... as much as I'm able, I need to stop looking for it and instead, go find me. I guess you could call that my New Year's resolution....

Tags: andrea, christmas, jason, mom, new years, ryan, ted
Current Location: mom's
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: CMT Late Night Music Video Rotation