The Manipulation of Music

Worth re-posting... Wow.. hit home tonight.

Ok, so this can't be a new idea to anyone but it sure is striking me hard today.  Music changes my mood probably faster than anything, alcohol included (and for anyone who has seen me drink, you know that I get buzzed & drunk quite quick).  Before I go into my internal debate on whether it was really music that changed my mood or the presence of conflicting emotions, I better go through the playlist I just worked off of.

Celine Dion  All By Myself
Keith Urban Stupid Boy
Gloria Estefan Turn The Beat Around
Backstreet Boys Incomplete
Backstreet Boys Siberia
Superchick Stand In The Rain
Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On
Trace Adkins Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk
Daughtry Gone
Rob Thomas & Santana Smooth
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill It's Your Love
Journey When You Love A Woman
Journey Send Her My Love
Martina McBride Where Would You Be
Sara Evans I Could Not Ask For More
Rascal Flatts Life Is A Highway
Aretha Franklin Chain of Fools
Backstreet Boys My Beautiful Woman
Dixie Chicks Not Ready To Make Nice
JoDee Messina My Give A Damn's Busted
Ashley Monroe I Don't Want To
Ella Fitzgerald I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons)
Chorus Line One
Journey Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Ok, all jokes aside about the fact that yes, I still adore the Backstreet Boys  (and occasionally drool) and how ALL over the place this play list is in terms of music styles, I feel like I've just been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - up, down, turned inside out (wait, isn't that a Pointer Sister's song?), crying, laughing and shaking my groove thang for the last 2 hours.  

I start of this thing sobbing, in fact had to play both Celine and Keith Urban about 3 times each because of the feelings they bring up for me.   One with my failed marriage, the other reminding me of my abusive father.  Then we've got dance your ass off and right down into sappy love song.  Siberia is another one of those songs that I have to listen to at least 3 times because of the scatting at the end is just so incredibly melodic that it grabs ahold of me. And the lyrics - the story of my romantic life.  Then we move on into, "this too shall pass" and right back into sobbing hysterically as I think of my sister, Andrea, who just found out last night that her ex-fiance was cheating on her with a friend.  Now we're back to generally dancing for 2 songs and then I'm right back into thinking about Det (the bf - name changed until he decides we can tell the world we're together).  I get a one song mental break and then I'm reminded again of my ex-husband.  I remember when that Martina song came out - I'd play it in the car over and over and over wondering if that's how he felt about me.  And what do you know?  He did.

Back to sappy love song and then two dance your ass off songs that still have me thinking of Det.  My Beautiful Woman is one I'd love to have dedicated to me one day....ahhhh   Then comes the song that I sang the shit out of only to loose in competition for really really stupid reasons.  I Don't Want To is one that makes me think of Det and the fact that I can't be open about the fact that we're in a relationship together.  I really could leave and move on and do something (and someone) different, I just don't want to.  And of course to follow that up with Ella Fitzgerald - geez, talk about feeling sappy at it's most intense.  Could I have a microphone please?  And then I wrap up my two hours of working on my closet with something at least moderately up beat that leaves me feeling... well, spent.

Ok, so what is it?  Is it really the music that gets me on this roller coaster, or is it just the vehicle that takes me through the emotions that I really need to get through?  I've got so much more pent up inside than I realized. Being able to get some good sleep while on "vacation" has put the physical in perspective enough that the emotional is overflowing...  

Thing is, nothing that happened to me while working on my disaster of a closet and listening to this playlist was something that wasn't already there.  The music didn't generate it, it just released it.  Paradox is - is it really released or just acknowledged?

Ok, I'm starting to drive myself crazy again analyzing this.  I need to go do some shoe-rationalization...  So, here's to the next portion of the playlist and whatever it brings (somebody have some alcohol while they read this so they can toast that for me before I get to dinner tonight).

It's been awhile...

since I posted anything of significance...

And still, I'm going to wait and see what responses are had for more information about what livens me, what kills me, and what makes me post...

Anyone care to know?
  • Current Mood
    relaxed relaxed
  • Tags


I think I'll try an experiment to see if I can disappear. I feel invisible. I wonder if I am.

Two hours later I am rather pleased to report the experiment failed.
sniper cat

2 of the 3

 I think I must be the target of my icon right now...

I just received a call from my sister.  My grandmother has been hospitalized again for heart failure.  She needs a pacemaker put in immediately and she is refusing the surgery that's scheduled for tomorrow. 

This woman means so much to me.  The last time she had heart surgery, she had to have one of her valves replaced.  It was a 6 hour open heart surgery.  I went down to Los Angeles to stay with her in the hospital for about 4 days and help her recover.  The nursing staff included me with the daily meals and rolled a cot into her room for me.  I helped her get to the bathroom, bathe, walk down the hallway, everything.  We knew the day would come when she would need the pacemaker, but she's refusing.

My grandfather and uncle will be with her tonight trying to talk her into it.  The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow.

I'm not quite sure what I think or feel about the whole thing.  Of course I'd like her to be around, but I know that she's been miserable since her open heart surgery.  I think she's done living at this point. 

I already have Thursday and Friday off this week.  I was already travelling down to Orange County for my Dad's wedding on Saturday.  I fear I may be attending a wedding and a funeral on the same day. 

So I guess this makes the second major piece of something to deal with... That just means I'm waiting for the final shoe to drop.

Mother Theresa said, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle.  I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

duck mocha


I had my meeting with the boss today to set my personal development goals for this fiscal year. I only had about 4 days (2 of which were the weekend) to even THINK about what I wanted to do, and so I felt like I was bsing my portion of things, but I came up with it:

1) To kick ass rolling out this new system for ordering sales materials that I've helped build.
2) Add some more creativity to my life - like doing some actual planning for a brand.
3) Become an expert at analyzing promotions in order to more effectively develop them as well as determine their success.

Strange thing about this - she had pretty much the exact same things for me.  That lead to some seriously AWESOME discussion.

Rolling out this new MAP system is so huge.  It truly is the epitome of business critical. It's not just getting the system and website done right. It's also getting the buy in of the 300+ users of the system to actually make good use of it. It's a big deal. At one point, I was just going to be assisting with the training. Now, I get to compile the whole training schedule and plan! WHOOO HOOO!!!!  I'll also be doing more traveling in order to get this training done.

I am by far the most analytically minded person on the promotions team and so it just makes perfect sense for me to be the expert in promotions analysis.  Not only our redemptions on coupons and such, but the overall success of programs - both on a national scale and on a smaller regional scale.  This is another biggie. No one, in the very long history of my company, has done this.  And it's all my project! 

But all this numbers, spreadsheets, analysis and programming is gonna drive to be a complete techy geek if I don't get something creative to balance it with. So... I actually do get to have a brand to work on too. Exactly what brand, we don't know yet, though Amy agreed that it should be a brand that has some good depth to it. Anything less  means that there really isn't any planning involved and it becomes a moot point.  She's talking about giving me 3 Blind Moose or Toasted Head.  There's some other options too, and she'll let me know soon what I get, but this has me about ready to FLIP OUT I'm so excited.

Then, at the end of all of this, she gave some ideas for where she'd like to see me go over the next year or two following the one that this goal setting is for.  That is incredibly cool.  For the first time since this transition, I feel like the nearly 6 years I've spent with this company are really going to take me places. I feel like I do have a place and a purpose for being here and I'm really looking forward to seeing where it takes me.
baltimore, june 2007

May 29, 2008

It used to be that May 29, 1999 was the date I held in my memory and close to my heart. I had good reason to, but the reality is, the reason for holding it close to my heart is long gone.  

I had a great date with my boyfriend last night.  And in the end, May 29th is nothing to be feared anymore.  Not only did I get through it, but I experienced more love last night than I did in 8 years of marriage combined.

I'm really grateful for that.

The Reinvention Project

This is the first of many posts to come on this subject and while I'm not up to putting onto the page exactly what this project is about, one of the phases of it is learning to see myself as beautiful.  I've had a couple of photographers offer to take photos of me. In 2 shoots, there have been nearly 500 photos taken.  I've gotten a few of them back from one of the photographers and have discs on the way of the rest. 

When I look at these, I see beautiful and it's really hard to believe it's me.



Top 10 Reasons Why I Love My Roommate

10. Her boyfriend completely cracks me up

9.  My boyfriend is one of her best friends

8. She does her own dishes (and happily does some of mine)

7. She buys toilet paper.

6. She cleans the kitchen and bathroom.

5. She listens without pretense or judgment.

4. She can carry on a real conversation.

3. She wants to buy a new shower curtain to give the place more personality

2. She looks forward to me coming home

And the # 1 reason why I absolutely LOVE my roommate...

She call's my ex-husband to tell him off.